In 2018, I gave the following talk to parents of children in our religious education program.
Do you know what your child is thinking?
In the early years, as their language develops (ages 2 and up), it’s easy to know. They tell you. “No, I’m not tired.”
As they grow older and start thinking logically (ages 6-7 and up), it gets harder to know what children are thinking or how they’re feeling.
I was shocked and hurt the first time my daughter told me she hated me. I didn’t see that coming. I should have … who else told her “don’t do this” and “you can’t do that” and “do your homework before you watch TV” and “you’re grounded” more often than I? But as long as she felt she could tell me that she hated me, I knew she [and I] would be OK. I am no expert, but I think when children stop expressing their feelings, that’s the time to begin worrying.
Should we be concerned about what children are thinking at such an early age?
In the 80 and early 90s, the suicide rate in America was falling. However, in the last 15 years, the suicide rate in America has risen and alarmingly so.
And, the suicide rate is rising the fastest among girls, between the ages of 10 and 14.
So, what’s going on with our children? What’s troubling them?
For some insight, we might turn to Australia. Australia is geographically as far from America as you can get, but the two countries have one very big defining characteristic in common: they are both immigrant nations.
Recently, the Archbishop of Sydney, Australia commissioned a study of the young people in Australia. He wanted to know what mattered to or concerned them the most. This is what he learned:
- The biggest issue young people raised was mental health … many suffer from depression, anxiety, poor self-esteem, eating disorders, and other mental health-related issues.
- The second biggest concern was their ethnic identity. being a young foreigner can trigger any of the first-mentioned issues.
- The third biggest area of concern had to do with relationships. They are worried about being lonely. How do they find the right person to be their partner for life? One out of every three marriages in Australia end in divorce. They are wondering, “Who will love me?”
Do the children here at our church and in our religious education program have similar concerns?
To find out, I asked the 40 7th and 8th grade members of our 2018 Confirmation Class what their biggest concerns were.
The number one concern [of 18 out 40 children] was bad grades. [What a relief!]
One child wrote: “Failing in general has always been one of my biggest fears. Failing in school is probably the worst thing you could ever do. [It] means that you won’t be able to find the career you’re looking for.”
Another child wrote: “One of my biggest fears is receiving bad grades in school. I know that my grades will determine my future and the high school I will go to.”
The number two concern of our children was (in their words) the fear of being alone, the loss of parents, darkness.
[Other concerns (in order of popularity) were rejection, bullying, being kidnapped, getting hurt, fear of heights, death and spiders.]
The concerns of our children sound fairly normal and may even give you parents a sense of relief. But scratch the surface and the picture changes.
Taking another approach to finding out what’s on the minds of our children, I asked the Confirmands to pick the social issue (e.g., discrimination, environmental pollution, racism, bullying, domestic violence) that concerned them most, research it and write down what it meant to them personally.
One 8th grader wrote about racial profiling:
“The typical perception of Asians is that they are all smart, especially at math. This can lead to racism. I have witnessed non-Asians say to Asian students, Why didn’t you get 100 on the math test? Asians are supposed to be smart at math. What might seem a compliment to Asians is actually demeaning to Asians who don’t fit the stereotype. It makes me feel disconnected to my racial identity. It makes me feel unworthy.”
Another wrote about gender equality:
“… when I was in China, boys were considered more important than girls … in my class of 48 students, more than half of them were boys. Despite their bad grades and bad behavior, their parents would still treat them as kings. This [was] also true in the workplace.”
And then I got to a paper written by a girl, between the ages of 10 and 14:
She wrote, “There was this little girl that had everything she could ever ask for … Over the past few years growing up in the family, her father and mother started to grow more hatred for each other. The father would get so frustrated he started physically tormenting the little girl. The mother pleaded for the father [to stop]. Bruises were showing. The pain got worse each time. Kids were starting to make fun of the little girl, saying that she was homeless. What they didn’t know was that she was fighting a battle to find a way to survive for at least another night. The students at her school started to bully her. She seemed weak to others. The bullying didn’t just stop there, she would often feel alone and she couldn’t find anyone to talk to. [The] father continued to beat her and her mother. She prayed to God every night, hoping that he would somehow hear her prayers and send help. As time progressed, things started getting worse every moment of her life. She couldn’t find a way out. Every turn she made was wrong. No one could help her now; her father continued the beating and threatened her if the mother called the police. Her father continued coming to her room, drunk from all the alcohol he had consumed…”
So, why am I sharing these young people’s reflections with you?
My purpose isn’t to alarm you. It’s to make a point about the place of the church.
Where else but the Church can young children go or be where they will:
- be in the company of other young people that share their values,
- be in the company of young people and elders they can talk to,
- get consistent, sound life advice.
Where else, for example, could the little girl (above) go to call out for help?
CREATIVE MINISTRY AND MANAGEMENT 